I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
i think i just lost a toe
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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