If that was your dad, he is hot
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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