I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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