Do you still have your period?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
