**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
