Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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