I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
