why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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