Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My hand turned me down
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
