Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
