At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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