why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
