she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
