Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
