Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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