eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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