My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
