Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
