We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
