I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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