Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
