I think i peed on brittanys purse
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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