I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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