did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
