I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
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