Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
