I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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