he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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