Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
