Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
