Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
