My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
