I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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