my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
