Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
