Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
