i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize