...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
