i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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