sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Randomize
