I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
