Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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