you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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