Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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