i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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