There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
