I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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