i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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