It's a beautiful day for a hangover
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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