i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
